Hampstead from Melbourne House Hampstead is an adventure game for would-be social climbers. Speed of reaction isn't so important. What matters is your ability to solve complex problems, which get harder the further you proceed in the game. Hampstead is a quest, but not for gold. The aim of it is to reach the pinnacle of social status, and acquiring wealth is only one part of the problem. If you wish to go up in the world you also have to gain the admiration and respect of your fellow men, and there's more to that than a fat bank balance. In Hampstead it helps to know something about art - or rather, to give the impression you do. You must wear the right clothes, be seen in the right places, live in the right house with the right partner and use the correct mode of transport. At the start of the game you are a nobody whose aim is to become a somebody. So lie, cheat, steal and defraud. You know it makes sense. QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK ABOUT HAMPSTEAD: Q: Is there life after Hampstead? A: No, Only before and during. Q: Why do dustbins have no lids in Hampstead? A: In order that passers-by may see the week's completed Guardian crosswords stacked neatly within. Hampstead - a new type of adventure game! Classification: ADVENTURE Includes 16 page booklet Level: Suitable for Beginner to Experienced Adventurer Average completion time: Several weeks Written in 100% machine language Loading time: 5 mins. approximately HAMPSTEAD A NEW TYPE OF ADVENTURE GAME HAMPSTEAD is an adventure game for would-be social climbers. For those who have never played one before, an adventure game generally depends on the use of brainpower. Speed of reaction isn't so important. What matters is the ability to solve complex problems, which get harder the further you proceed in the game. Most computer adventures involve a quest of some sort, usually for hidden treasure. There will often be dragons to kill and nasty goblins to avoid. HAMPSTEAD is a quest, but not for gold. The aim of it is to reach the pinnacle of social status, and acquiring wealth is only one part of the problem. If you wish to go up in the world you also have to gain the admiration and respect of your fellow men, and there's more to that than a fat bank balance. In HAMPSTEAD it helps to know something about art - or rather, to give the impression you do. You must wear the right clothes, be seen in the right places, live in the right house with the right partner and use the correct mode of transport. You must meet the right sort of people and say the right things to them. Although the old school tie never does any harm, your most important tool is simply the ruthless and skilful use of your natural cunning. At the start of the game you are a nobody whose aim is to become a somebody. So lie, cheat, steal and defraud. You KNOW it makes sense. Attaining Hampstead """"""""""""""""""" PICTURE OF AN HOUSE An overdose of quaintness can bring on nausea. The denizens of these violently twee Hampstead cottages therefore always approach in sunglasses. The crucial point to remember at all times is this: you cannot attain HAMPSTEAD just by going there. Your task is not merely to visit the place but to become a Hampstead person. Hampstead people may seem terribly casual, as if anything goes, but frankly you will not be invited into their homes unless you are quite clearly one of them. There are many pitfalls. There are places you will not be allowed to enter without the required social credentials. There are people in those places who can help you attain HAMPSTEAD. And there are some people whom, having met once, you will never wish to set eyes on again. Your background - luckily - doesn't matter too much. There are plenty of critics, playwrights, architects and designers, actors and academics who also came from nowhere and ended up attaining HAMPSTEAD. And you can become one of them by collecting the trophies and symbols of Hampstead Man. Attitude """""""" The successful people in life are those who can brazen their way out of any difficulty. They are not afraid to claw shamelessly for everything they want. So be unscrupulous. How did all those people get to the top of the tree in the first place? Not by being nice. So bear in mind that anyone who does you a favour is a sucker, and ripe for stabbing in the back. Just choose your moment carefully. In the game of HAMPSTEAD, however, the most deadly weapon you can possess is a credit card. As in real life it is not a good idea to attack anyone physically, let alone kill them. Hampstead Man is far more subtle than that. PICTURE OF A RESTAURANT Keith and Dave practise looking as if they own the place. Progress """""""" So wretched is your social position at the beginning of the game that the only way is up. It's quite obvious that you must dress more smartly, travel in better style and start to mingle with the high and mighty. But the choices will become less obvious as you approach the higher reaches of society. Attaining HAMPSTEAD means so much more than simply grabbing the treasure and heading for the hills. Think of your IMAGE. think cultural, think political. Hamstead Man does. As the adventure begins, you are sitting around at home in your horrible, dingy little house. You have nothing - not even street credibility. You are on the dole. You have no firends and no money. But don't let that bother you! The big, wide world of social opportunity exists just outside your gate. As you leave the house to go and sign on, make sure you're decent and have some means of getting around. It is advisable to explore as much of your immediate area as possible since you will find things that later prove useful. Some of the things you find may seem useful, but aren't. And some of the things which at first appear useless may actually turn out to be rather vital. Setting Off """"""""""" Set up the computer and load the game by typing in LOAD "". When the program is fully loaded the message WELCOME TO HAMPSTEAD will appear. Read the initial instructions carefully. You now find yourself in a dingy flat somewhere in north-west London, watching '3-2-1' on television. This really is a depressing, degrading position to be in, so get moving immediately. To get mobile, socially and physically, just use the simple compass directions north, south, east, west. Sometimes you can go north-east, north-west, south-east or south-west. You will also occasionally need to go up or down. All these movements can be abbreviated thus: N, S, E, W, NE, NW, SE, SW, U, D. This system applies whatever your mode of transport is, be it foot, bicycle, train or car. There are places where transport is essential and places where you are better off on foot. Language """""""" Apart from movements, most of your commands will be in the form VERB NOUN. You will frequently wish to pick things up or put them down, e.g. GET KEY, DROP KEY. If you want to investigate your surroundings more closely, SEARCH ROOM / OFFICE / SHOP, or whatever the location. Don't forget that doors, gates and the like can be opened and closed, locked and unlocked. Sometimes you may need to get into something locked by unconventional means. Having found an interesting object you may wish to look more closely at it, in which case EXAMINE DOGS or READ MAGAZINE. In many cases it will take a while to discover the correct command for what you want to do ... but that's part of the fun! Other useful commands """"""""""""""""""""" Score: which speaks for itself. Your score is expressed as a percentage. I: for Inventory. This will give you a list of what you have with you and what you are wearing. R: for Re-describe. You will need to do this if the screen is filled with messages and commands, and you want to remind yourself where you are and what objects are visible. Quit: if you have had enough social climbing for one day. This is how you throw in the towel until next time. Save/Load: to enable you to save the adventure up to the point you have reached and resume later. Check your computer manual for instructions. PICTURE OF A ROAD The bustling heart of Oxford Street, through which every social climber must pass, however recluctantly ... Some things to avoid """""""""""""""""""" Death: It is better to avoid inflicting death, both on oneself and on others. Bad language: Certain words are not acceptable in Hampstead. You know exactly which ones we're talking about! Hampstead: Try not to be over-eger to attain HAMPSTEAD. Hampstead people can spot a social climber a mile off. Only head for Hampstead when you're certain you have everything you need. Some useful verbs """"""""""""""""" ABSTAIN EXAMINE LEAVE REMOVE ACCEPT FIND LOCK RIDE BET FORCE LOOK RING BOARD FLY MARRY SEARCH BUY GET MEET STEAL CASH GIVE OFFER TAKE CLOSE HELP OPEN TRANSLATE DRIVE HIDE PICK TURN DROP JOIN PRISE UNLOCK EAT JUMP QUEUE WATCH ENTER KISS READ WEAR On the Dole """"""""""" Some of you attempting this game have probably attained HAMPSTEAD already in real life, and therefore may not know what on the dole means. You are on the dole if you have no job. If you have no job, you probably have no money either. The government therefore issues you with a card called a UB40 which entitles you to collect unemployment benefit. This must be presented at regular intervals at a "dole office", and a Giro cheque is later sent to you through the post. In HAMPSTEAD, however, your home is so disreputable that the postman has long since refused to deliver anything, so you must collect the Giro in person, and then take it to a Post Office to be cashed. Whilst on the dole you may attempt to find a job. For this purpose you could try the Jobcentre, which advertises vacancies ("job opportunities") for the unemployed. Hampstead - What's the point? """"""""""""""""""""""""""""" Everybody wants to feel superior. This feeling takes two forms. Those without money must be content to feel morally superior. Those without morals can feel financially superior. But only in Hampstead is it possible to attain superiority in both. Some notes on "HAMPSTEAD MAN" """"""""""""""""""""""""""""" PICTURE OF A RESTAURANT Carlos entertains Hampstead diners with a saucy anecdote or two. Hampstead man has a pair of matching Afghan hounds or Red Setters. At any given time he is likely either to be listening to Verdi or jogging. His home, a building at least 200 years old and surrounded by luxuriant foliage, has a sturdy front door painted in a bright primary colour. He has a highly-paid job which allows him to play squash during weekday afternoons. Whatever work he is engaged in (and its exact nature may never be entirely clear) is conducted over lunch, i.e. between noon and 4 p.m. His graceful, attractive, soft-spoken wife has borne him three gifted children: Ben, Tarquin and Hermione. his wife's name is almost certainly Pippa or Flavia, though it could conceivably be Molly or Bunty. Things to do in Hampstead """"""""""""""""""""""""" 1. Take your bassoon along to complete a wind quartet at a neighbour's Boursin and claret party. 2. Write witty letters to The Spectator. 3. Nail a pair of snow-shoes to the wall in your loo. 4. "Work" for an hour on the telephone in the morning and play croquet all afternoon. 5. Teach your children Esperanto and encourage them to practise it on Italian waiters. 6. Visit an art exhibition and laugh loudly at the mistakes in the catalogue. 7. Invite the local wine-testing circle to come round and sample your cellar. 8. Donate the original manuscript of your play ("A stunning theatrical achievement" - Sunday Times) to the Bodleian Library. 9. Have Sir John Gieldgud's voice on your personal Ansaphone. 10. Speak admiringly of Tony Benn in the pub and, at the last minute, vote Liberal. Around and about in Hampstead """"""""""""""""""""""""""""" - Amanda very carefully reads 'A Room of One's Own' in the Sunday Times Colour Supplement: has she been quoted accurately? - Justin Perrier, art critic ordinaire, Hampstead resident, bon viveur, wag, wit and editor of Art&Antiques magazine. - Vital to social climbers who can't afford new clothes, the Oxfam Shop is also useful for those who have attained Hampstead and find it amusing to look shabby. - Before and after Oxfam comes respectability in the form of a smart new business suit... - On the dole? Why not start at the bottom and work your way down. - The 2CV parked on yellow lines outside - appropriately - Parks, where Hampstead Man conducts his 'business' over a pleasant four hour lunch. - Pippa, Selina and their friends gather around the crepe stall prior to that rather interesting Jean Renoir film at the Hampstead Everyman. - Lorraine and Tracey on the Heath. How come Pippa gets invited to these Covent Garden cocktail parties and not them? - Sir Lionel Thrumm - a rare photograph of the millionaire merchant banker taken just prior to the San Paulo revelations. - Lord Chubby Fish totters towards the large, well-deserved scotch and soda already prepared by Pilgrim the butler. - It's seedy, it's depressing, and yes, it's just outside your back gate. - Exhausted by a hard day's social climbing, Barry crosses the borders of Hampstead only to discover that he has still not attained it. Questions People as about Hampstead """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Q: Is there life after Hampstead? A: No. Only before and during. Q: Having attained Hampstead, is it then safe to leave and return again? A: Yes, because true Hampstead Man carries it with him wherever he goes. Q: Why do dustbins have no lids in Hampstead? A: In order that passers-by may see the week's completed Guardian cross-words stacked neatly within. Q: Why do so many architects live in Hampstead? A: Because, having devastated most of Britain's cities, they find it a quiet and pleasant place in which to design their bold and imaginative urban schemes. Le Corbusier, like socialism and Christianity, has never been given a chance. Vertical villages, streets in the sky ... these fabulous concepts were first thought up down cobbled alleys in Hampstead. It is a place for thinkers and iconoclasts who need the reassurance of stable, quaint surroundings in order to advance theories about knocking them down. Q: What are the main causes of death in Hampstead? A: 1. Terminal writer's cramp 48 % 2. Choking on muesli 24 % 3. Savaged by Afghans (dogs, not freedom fighters) 9 % 4. Caught in Venus fly-trap 11 % 5. Aerobics 7.5% 6. Malnutrition 0.5% The History of Hampstead """""""""""""""""""""""" It was once thought that Hampstead's first appearance in the annals of English history came when King Edgar presented the village to his toady Mangoda in 975 AD. Actually the charter in which this transaction is mentioned is now regarded as a bare-faced forgery, along with the story put about by social-climbing monks that Ethelred the Unready donated Hampstead to the diocese of Westminster. The derivation of the name "Hampstead" gives a clue to its true origins. Geoffrey of Monmouth reports (in "History of the Kings of Britain") that back in 677 AD, Ham - a certain messenger - galloped on horseback from York to London to warn King Cadwallader of an imminent Viking invasion. Unfortunately, such was Ham's haste that his exhausted mount collapsed and died four miles from the city, and he was forced to walk the rest of the way. He was doubly embarrassed to find that, due to earthquake, plague, famine and civil war all coinciding, Cadwallader had three weeks earlier sailed for Brittany, where he remained for several years, waiting until things cooled off. Ham's sturdy effort was not entirely in vain, however. The heroic horse was commemorated by burial in consecrated ground close to the top of the hill whose savage gradient finally killed him. The spot became a minor centre for pilgrims on their way to Canterbury, and the village of Ham's-steed soon grew up around it. PICTURE OF A STONE The Ham's-steed stone can still be seen in a private garden near Keat's House.