new BBC sitcom
ive written a sitcom under the allusion that i could write one better than 'two pints of lager..."
the art of stess (a bbc series)
The vicar and the sausage (pilot)
int: the lavender house, front room. mr and mrs lavender are watching tv, while sam the lodger is reading a magazine
Mr L - dear, have you bought the stuff for the dinner tonight, you remeber that you have invited the vicar for tea.
Mrs L - oh yes, i have bought some german sausage, i've heard the vicar likes a good portion of sausage
Sam - i bet he does (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - sounds delicious, i'll happily munch on a sausage
Sam - i bet you will. (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mrs L - i know what you mean i like a good portion of sausage too.
Sam - I bet you do (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - ok sam, thats my wife your taking about. anyway it should go quite well i hope.
Mrs L - yes, as long as nothing bad happens.
Sam - lets hope not
Door bell rings
Mr lavender puts his trousers on and goes to answer the door.
Mr Patel is at the door holding a small box
Mr Patel - Hello Mr lavender, i have some thing for you
Mr L - thanks, what is it?
Mr patel - My wife has a cat called carson, and it has just had kittens, so i am giving one to you as you are a valued customer at my shop
Mr L - thanks i'll look after it
Mr lavender take the box and closes the door, he goes in the front room and gives it to Mrs Lavender
Sam - can i look in your box Mrs lavender? (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - no need, there is a small cat in there as way of a gift from the foreign man at the off license.
Sam - so you finally got a little pussy (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - yes, so what shall we call it?
Mrs L - seen as we are having the vicar over for tea lets call it frank
Mr L - oh wait, the vicar is allergic to cat hair, he always says the thought of a pussy makes him feel sick.
Sam - thats not suprising (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - what shall we do?
Mrs L - quick put it upstairs in the back bedroom.
Mr L - i can't, i accidently boarded up the door in that DIY accident last week. i know i'll put it in the larda next to the box containing the german sausage.
Sam - yeah that'll work. (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr lavender puts the box next to the box with the sausage in it, and comes back to the front room.
sam put his trousers on and heads upstairs as there is a knock at the door.
Mr L - I'll get it
Mr Lavender opens the door to the vicar who looks irrate. while Mrs lavender gets the dinner
Vicar - your door bell is broken, may i come it?
meanwhile in the larder, Mrs Lavender is picking up a box, next to it is an almost identical box
In the living room Mr lavender and the vicar are sat on the sofa.
Mr L - so apart from the door bell mishap, is everything going well tonight.
Vicar - yes i suppose, although i have just been relesed from a metal hospital.
Mr L - oh my, what was the problem
Vicar - i was only there for a bit, you see i had a bit of a break down, one of my parishiners came in to church wearing a german football team top, and it gave me a bad flash back to the second world war.
Mr L - oh yes, you were in that war weren't you
Vicar - yes
Mr L - could it happen again?
Vicar - only if i see something german, maybe a german car or a german food product. its almost as bad as my fear of cats.
Mrs lavender walks in carrying a box.
Mr L - Oh heck.
the art of stess (a bbc series)
The vicar and the sausage (pilot)
int: the lavender house, front room. mr and mrs lavender are watching tv, while sam the lodger is reading a magazine
Mr L - dear, have you bought the stuff for the dinner tonight, you remeber that you have invited the vicar for tea.
Mrs L - oh yes, i have bought some german sausage, i've heard the vicar likes a good portion of sausage
Sam - i bet he does (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - sounds delicious, i'll happily munch on a sausage
Sam - i bet you will. (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mrs L - i know what you mean i like a good portion of sausage too.
Sam - I bet you do (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - ok sam, thats my wife your taking about. anyway it should go quite well i hope.
Mrs L - yes, as long as nothing bad happens.
Sam - lets hope not
Door bell rings
Mr lavender puts his trousers on and goes to answer the door.
Mr Patel is at the door holding a small box
Mr Patel - Hello Mr lavender, i have some thing for you
Mr L - thanks, what is it?
Mr patel - My wife has a cat called carson, and it has just had kittens, so i am giving one to you as you are a valued customer at my shop
Mr L - thanks i'll look after it
Mr lavender take the box and closes the door, he goes in the front room and gives it to Mrs Lavender
Sam - can i look in your box Mrs lavender? (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - no need, there is a small cat in there as way of a gift from the foreign man at the off license.
Sam - so you finally got a little pussy (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - yes, so what shall we call it?
Mrs L - seen as we are having the vicar over for tea lets call it frank
Mr L - oh wait, the vicar is allergic to cat hair, he always says the thought of a pussy makes him feel sick.
Sam - thats not suprising (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr L - what shall we do?
Mrs L - quick put it upstairs in the back bedroom.
Mr L - i can't, i accidently boarded up the door in that DIY accident last week. i know i'll put it in the larda next to the box containing the german sausage.
Sam - yeah that'll work. (raises eyebrows to the camera)
Mr lavender puts the box next to the box with the sausage in it, and comes back to the front room.
sam put his trousers on and heads upstairs as there is a knock at the door.
Mr L - I'll get it
Mr Lavender opens the door to the vicar who looks irrate. while Mrs lavender gets the dinner
Vicar - your door bell is broken, may i come it?
meanwhile in the larder, Mrs Lavender is picking up a box, next to it is an almost identical box
In the living room Mr lavender and the vicar are sat on the sofa.
Mr L - so apart from the door bell mishap, is everything going well tonight.
Vicar - yes i suppose, although i have just been relesed from a metal hospital.
Mr L - oh my, what was the problem
Vicar - i was only there for a bit, you see i had a bit of a break down, one of my parishiners came in to church wearing a german football team top, and it gave me a bad flash back to the second world war.
Mr L - oh yes, you were in that war weren't you
Vicar - yes
Mr L - could it happen again?
Vicar - only if i see something german, maybe a german car or a german food product. its almost as bad as my fear of cats.
Mrs lavender walks in carrying a box.
Mr L - Oh heck.
Post edited by mile on
Comments
Is there no end to Miles talents ?!
I wish there was an end to them.
Artists, puh! :roll:
You could call it "Fawlty Father in The Ted Towers One Foot Grave."
Those big wigs at the BBC would love it. It's just a shame the audience would not.
And try using a parallax scroll in section 2.
You could take inspiration from the forum and make the sitcom about an early eighties computer club and its members....a bit like Dear John was about a singles club and its members.
Fot instance I found Miles pilot script more amusing than every episode of "My family" put together, of course I haven't seen every episode but I did see (or should that be suffer) the first 2 or 3 seasons, thanks to my best mates sister and my wife, who both thought it was actually funny? It must have been subconsciously designed to appeal to women. Because I thought it was about as funny as being told "we had to amputate".
BBC Sitcoms that Miles script is funnier than:
My Family
TLC
Coupling
Stay Lucky
Shelly
Me and my girl
That one that had Honor Blackman and that twat from Hollyoaks in it.
There you go Mile don't let the bastards get you down :lol:
There are still a lot of people alive in britain who suffered due to your countries shenanigans so yes thats why we cant resist taking the micky.
Also i dont like the term Brit as it implies that English, Welsh, Scottish and Northern Irish people are all the same and like the same things which couldnt be further from the truth. You try and tell a Scottish person that there exactly the same as the English and see how far you will get.
There are also a lot of people in Germany who still suffer due to what their previous politicians/megalomaniacs did to them. We should not blame the whole of Germany for something which a select few arseholes did over 50 years ago. Germany suffered quietly after the war and had to tighten their collective belts while trying to rebuild the landscape. And they were split in twain but now they are reunited and in a way suffered another slight setback when the west half merged with the east part.
The suffering took place in both countries, and certainly elsewhere. We should be able to live together harmoniously and only direct our scorn towards (previous) megalomaniacs and not a country as a whole.
In the case of the Scottish you would get as far as they can throw you, and mind you that is quite far. While on the other hand the English would just say "Tut, tut, let bygones be bygones, fancy some tea?"
Sorry couldn't resist it, couldn't find the whole scene though (the whole episode was on there at one time) :D
I wouldn't however I'm a Geordie and we're not that far removed from the Scottish (I know some would disagree though)
Genetically I should hate myself part Irish, part Scottish, born English, imagine the conflict within :lol:
There's a little bit of Greek in there too but I generally keep quiet about that, grapefruit and wotnot you know :D
Seriously i've had jokes for years. In America had the mick taken out of me for my accent, cups of tea, wonky teeth, pale complexion and all that. In France i had 'le ros beuf' or whatever the 'insult' is. Also being part welsh i've had the mick taken out of me for years.
The jokes arent aimed at modern germans, just a bit of fun.
Hmmm i wonder why they say germans have no sense of humour ;)
while we did our best to stop them by forcing them to let us drive our tanks all over it, hehehe
Sore losers I guess. I bet if it had been a different result the jokes would be coming our way...
Gerade erwähnen Sie nicht den Krieg!
(babel translater might have messed that up - supposed to be Just dont mention the war!)
yup! why do you think I said I generally keep quiet about it :lol:
My great grandad was Greek, so it's pretty watered down about an 8th.
It was meant humourously. I honestly don't know anyone who still blames Germans for WW2, or WW1, and it would be stupid to do so, as those responsible are all long dead (and it was hardly true that all of those responsible for the horrors of the world wars were german, far from it. Evil, like good, is everywhere).
And I love Great Britain, my country and place of birth, and am as patriotic as anybody, but most of the people I detest are British. Blair, Thatcher, various murderers and terrorists and so on. Great Britain, like any nation has produced many appalling excuses for human beings. And we've commited war crimes too, not that Blair and co. are exactly worried about having to face justice for their crimes though. Oh no. Again, like every other country, the rich and powerful in Great Britain can, and do, get away with far more than the common man.
XTM, it's just a joke Miles made, like on Fawlty Towers or similar, with no offense intended. Although Germans who like the Commodore 64 are bad, very bad, and should all be locked up.
But so should C64 owners of every country ;)
Grade Dyke
BBC Controller
Head of Programming
BBC
London, England
Dear Mr Miles,
RE: Your script for The Art of Stress
I am very pleased to be able to tell you that we have comissioned eight series of your sitcom, for broadcast on BBC 1.
We have looked over our extensive retinue of actors, and after much consideration and consultation, have decided that the best actors to play the parts are:
Richard Briers as Mr Lavender
Penelope Keith as Mrs Lavender
Nicholas Lyndhurst as Sam
assuming that they are all still alive (we haven't checked yet, we were at the free bar, and you know how it is). And, since we like to encourage new talent all the time, we have selected newcomer Clive Dunn to be the vicar.
However, we must propose the following changes:
1) The removal of all references to sausages, as this could be mistaken to be phalic. We feel that substituting "vanilla ice cream" for every reference of "sausage" in your script removes the sexual suggestion, without lessening the comic impact of the lines.
2) The naming of your characters. Nowadays the BBC is very much at the forefront of the acceptable values tide, and we feel that we set the standards for decency and innofensive-to-all programming, so we feel that the name "Lavender" might be offensive to someone or other, and we suggest that the name be instead changed to "All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose", and we feel that the titles "Mr" and "Mrs" are both sexist and heavily outdated and have no place on our TV screens. Instead they should be replaced by the non-offensive, non-gender specific title "Life partner". And the name "Sam" is similarly out of the question, as it's English, or at least Western, and so might alienate our non-western brothers (and sisters and transexuals, they all pay TV licenses). So instead of Sam we will name him (or her or it, we haven't decided yet) "Muhammed Issac Budah Jesus Batman James Bond the third".
3) Similarly, we feel that having a vicar might be too confrontational, and have therefore decided to replace him with a preacher man/vicar/sooth-sayer/high priest/etc of a religion, but to never specifiy which religion. This will of course please all religions, as decided by our fact finding team (eight of us went to the West Indies for three months last summer to study religions and stuff at various beaches and bars, it only cost the license payer ?800,000 - a bargain).
The slightly moddified script now begins:
The art of no stress, as God/Jehovah/Jesus/Allah/androids from the future will save us all from the stresses of life
The cast:
Richard Briers as Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose
Penelope Keith as Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose
Nicholas Lyndhurst as Muhammed Issac Budah Jesus Batman James Bond the third
Clive Dunn as the vicar/priest/preacher/whatever of a non-specific religion.
Scene 1: A middle class living room, as studies have shown that no-one is actually poor in Great Britain, which is why the TV license is so fair.
Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose, is sitting down doing a non-gender specific something (or nothing, he/she is free to relax, if he/she chooses), and Muhammed Issac Budah Jesus Batman James Bond the third is sitting down, or standing up, and maybe doing something.
Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose enters and says "Salutations, greetings and Mazel Toff to you all, and those who came before you, and those who will follow you, Allah loves you all"
Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose replies "May the will of the God/Gods/no God but the amazing process of Evolution be within you. Have you brought in your arms/one arm/no arm the vanilla icre cream we require for tonight's visitation by the Holy man/woman/whatever?"
Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose answers "I have. Beholden it here, with the eyes that God/Gods/Evolution/that alien who the wonderful Scientologists believe in gave to you. Or didn't, if you are blind and therefore blessed to not see the evil which doth exist on this Earth."
Muhammed Issac Budah Jesus Batman James Bond the third chips in "What denomination of what religion is this Holy man/woman/life form/non-sentient computer?"
Life Partner All religions are acceptable, even atheism and Budism, although they are of course not religions but still I respect your right to believe in anything you choose answers "it matters not, for like the ice cream his belief is reason enough, and is not enriched by discussions or questioning, and we must respect that."
Muhammed Issac Budah Jesus Batman James Bond the third raises his eybrows to the camera, though we can't see it as his/her/it's burka covers the eyebrows.
Please continue along these lines, and we have no doubt at all that this program will prove to be this years big hit comedy, and will be popular for many years to come. Though even if it isn't, sod it - we get the license fee whether or not the bloody public watch our drivel, so sod 'em all.
And we will be sending you our standard storyline per episode pack, to guide you in your writing. For example, one episode of your sitcom must feature a long-lost son, one must feature an unsuitable workman coming to perform a household task, and at least three episodes of the first two series must feature a hilarious case of mistaken identity.
Also, we will provide instructions for product placement, to help bump up our revenue, and advice on when and where to show a TV that is displaying BBC programs, to advertise our line up.
And please find enclosed a list of classic jokes, to be worked into the episodes wherever possible. Don't be afraid of re-using any and all jokes in each episode, as quality is not an issue with the BBC.
Sincerely,
Grade Dyke.
Corrected.
Nah! Shergar was much prettier :lol:
Each to their own and all that, but you do realise that she's 67??
yeah, didn't you notice those episodes of the Good Life on BBC2 all the time are repeats!
and besides, if they weren't, Felicity Kendal is by far the more attractive :p