Depressed Mode
Many months ago you may remember I wrote a post about facing a sinking depression after completing my post graduate studies. Well it was great that you all listened and great I could get it of my chest. Hence this post.
Well, I've had a few up times but the depression never gone away and recently gotten a little worse again. I t have been thinking the route cause of it was being unsettled at work, as my wife is cracking and son a real bundle of sunshie. However, I'm not sure if its not clinical rather than environmental.
My current job is a smart phone developer (with some teaching duties), though I enjoy programming and the process of creation very very much, the commercial aspirations of those with influence has precluded me from doing research despite, the word being in my job description and having a phd. An unhealthy political one one-upmanship has peculated though my work place making a place where you always have to watch your back and cannot just enjoy work for its own sake. Some staff members are now earning money through extra work opportunities, and this is being distributed very unfairly. Others getting away with shoddy tardy work and not being disciplined (in fact quite the opposite, rewarded with more opportunities for extra earnings), whilst conscientious workers seem to have to work twice hard to avoid any harsh treatment. Sadly this culture seems to emanate from one man, not my boss (he really likes me and values the work I do), but a colleague who has bestowed himself the honour of cheif control freak, holding back the strong and the smart dare he ever fall in the gaze of their shadow. Doing so because he's put himself in a position of control and influence, if you like an opaque layer of bureaucracy between the clients and the developer, an empty suit with buzz words, handshakes and politics. That said he's potentially a very intelligent man because the games he plays are really quite clever sometimes, a bit like a chess man. His moves comes in many forms, but usually result granting recognition of great work only to those he does not perceive as a threat, dishing out interesting projects to the favoured few, and menial tasks to the rest of us. You'll get a great job comment of him no and again but only when no one who matters is listening.
Consequently I've never felt settled in the job, so am still living in rented accommodation (comfortable though the home is) and am uncertain about my future. I worry that my job might become a dead end, as I'm only researching commercial apps, and not academic material. I often find the complexities of modern work life just too stressful, and can't find inner peace. I just want to work, receive recognition for what I do well, and enjoy what I do without anyone tying to muscle in, or sweeping my successes under the carpet. During the rise and rise of Mr Failure Nobody through to Dr Scott I used to be such a motivated optimist, but now I'm feel slipping back into Mr Failure nobody and have an unhealthy amount of self doubt.
I had a job interview today for a position in the US. However, I kept thinking during the prep stages, even if I got the job, would I be up to it. What's wrong with me. :sad:
Look at the post length Egwf eat your heart out, in fact eat mine, put me out my mystery.
Well, I've had a few up times but the depression never gone away and recently gotten a little worse again. I t have been thinking the route cause of it was being unsettled at work, as my wife is cracking and son a real bundle of sunshie. However, I'm not sure if its not clinical rather than environmental.
My current job is a smart phone developer (with some teaching duties), though I enjoy programming and the process of creation very very much, the commercial aspirations of those with influence has precluded me from doing research despite, the word being in my job description and having a phd. An unhealthy political one one-upmanship has peculated though my work place making a place where you always have to watch your back and cannot just enjoy work for its own sake. Some staff members are now earning money through extra work opportunities, and this is being distributed very unfairly. Others getting away with shoddy tardy work and not being disciplined (in fact quite the opposite, rewarded with more opportunities for extra earnings), whilst conscientious workers seem to have to work twice hard to avoid any harsh treatment. Sadly this culture seems to emanate from one man, not my boss (he really likes me and values the work I do), but a colleague who has bestowed himself the honour of cheif control freak, holding back the strong and the smart dare he ever fall in the gaze of their shadow. Doing so because he's put himself in a position of control and influence, if you like an opaque layer of bureaucracy between the clients and the developer, an empty suit with buzz words, handshakes and politics. That said he's potentially a very intelligent man because the games he plays are really quite clever sometimes, a bit like a chess man. His moves comes in many forms, but usually result granting recognition of great work only to those he does not perceive as a threat, dishing out interesting projects to the favoured few, and menial tasks to the rest of us. You'll get a great job comment of him no and again but only when no one who matters is listening.
Consequently I've never felt settled in the job, so am still living in rented accommodation (comfortable though the home is) and am uncertain about my future. I worry that my job might become a dead end, as I'm only researching commercial apps, and not academic material. I often find the complexities of modern work life just too stressful, and can't find inner peace. I just want to work, receive recognition for what I do well, and enjoy what I do without anyone tying to muscle in, or sweeping my successes under the carpet. During the rise and rise of Mr Failure Nobody through to Dr Scott I used to be such a motivated optimist, but now I'm feel slipping back into Mr Failure nobody and have an unhealthy amount of self doubt.
I had a job interview today for a position in the US. However, I kept thinking during the prep stages, even if I got the job, would I be up to it. What's wrong with me. :sad:
Look at the post length Egwf eat your heart out, in fact eat mine, put me out my mystery.
Post edited by Scottie_uk on
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Comments
I'm not a doctor so I can't tell you that, but I do know it isn't your fault. Talk to your GP and see what he can suggest.
I suspect NHS services differ from region to region so the system there is no doubt different to the way it works here but I'm sure there must be somewhere your doc could refer you that can help you work through these things.
I hope that you are joking.. And I don't think this is a talk with jokes as your.
Scottie: ignore that "chess man".It seems so "commercial".
You are able to do hard things and he is only able to "bla bla" and have a winning behavior. Those are fake techniques.
You know, sometimes that pose helps a lot and you can deceive people around you.
It's not an easy era for many people.There are ppl without work around...
I don't know if I'm telling bull****s, but...
Resist!!! Get out when you have time, take a walk with
someone you care, create something, listen to good music, and most of all, don't think at your
work when you are home (or out of work).
try a bit of charity work part time. i used to do a bit and its a massive change from getting paid.
About the work situation: it stinks, but lets face it: work isn't supposed to be fun. :evil: (that's what free time is for). And that's why you get paid. If work is both fun and pays well: you lucky bast**d. About that guy who bugs you: as long as he isn't the one signing your paycheck, you don't have to take his sh*t or let him annoy you. If possible, work around him. If necessary, go over his head directly to your boss. If you're fed up enough, go work someplace else where conditions are better. Either way don't let it get to you.
There you go: you have a nice family, a good job (that provides at least some satisfaction), and a comfortable home to return to. Go re-read that a number of times, that's a whole set of things many people in this world DON'T have.
Imagine where you want to be in a number of years from now, and move in that direction. Step by step. There's only one way to get there: DO IT.
AND you got Egwf beat. :D
Happened at our place just before Xmas.. We had this manager who was all "my way or the highway", totally played favourites, you never knew where you stood with him but he seemed to have a pretty good standing with the guys upstairs.
However, when he wasn't around, everyone was all "Oh my God, have you heard what he wants us to do NOW?!?" (As he kept inventing arbitrary new rules and doing whatever the heck he wanted)
Anyway - a few weeks before Xmas, he announces to us that this bigwig from out of town (something like 3rd on the totem pole from the CEO) is flying in for a surprise visit tomorrow and he has all hands on deck getting the place cleaned up.
This bigwig guy arrives the next morning.. Around lunchtime, the GM of our site comes in with the bigwig and tells us to lock it down for half an hour - emergency meeting.
So the upshot of it was that our manager was fired. Apparently they'd been telling him to reign it in on the quiet for ages and he hadn't paid attention, so they'd decided to get shut of him.. The stories of what he'd done had filtered back to them and they hired a replacement and trained him up off site, then gave this guy the push.
It's been much better since the new guy started.. People are much more relaxed and not worried that someone's playing head games with them.
Not saying that this WILL happen in your case Scottie, but 'the truth will out' as they say.. (Although how LONG it takes for the truth to out, that's another story...)
no, stay mysterious... your enemies will fear you ;-)
That's not even funny.
I hope that was a joke. Maybe you should try your own advice.
You have a settled family life, you?ve had an education most people can only dream of, you are in work so you can pay the bills and you are all in good health. Count your blessings because a lot of people don?t have this.
Life will be full of ups and downs, it will never be just the good times, as you get older you will also find that what you set out to do in your work all those years ago will no longer satisfy you, this is why people change careers, some many times throughout their working life.
I would suggest that you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs and see where you currently fit in or what is missing.
On a more practical level, why not learn a new skill? You will spend a lot of time at a computer screen, get away from that and do something totally different, learn something that will enable you to build or create something real in the real world. You have a young son, perhaps learn some ?man? things? It is my belief that blokes need to make stuff, it is in us. I?m talking shed stuff here, woodwork, metal turning, that kind of thing.
If none of that works, seek medical help, it is there and depending on the root cause, it may be of help.
So research your own projects in your own time, develop some apps & set up on your own....
- the nasty guy
- trying to remain a "scientist" while doing a commercial work
Maybe you should just accept that you won't be making any "discoveries" at your work just doing useful but mundane work.
The problem with scientists at universities is that they often do cool (for them) but impractical (for others) things.They research and describe things just for the sake of it, not caring if anybody actually needs it and if it will give some money in turn.
In commercial work everybody is counting money and they will be very hesitant to pay for some research if there isn't any client paying for this and they aren't sure how it could be useful later.
Try to do something new outside of work, homebrew some beer, get a shed, build something with your hands etc. It'll take your mind off work and maybe give you something to look forward to whilst at work.
Just remember, there is no harm in venting here - we are after all like minded people, for the most part.
Obviously I don't know the setup where you but if your boss really likes you then you might be better off seeing if you can have a quiet chat with him at the right time. Since I'm assuming he doesn't see half of what goes on, explain how things work in the office - i.e. this one guy is holding those who are actually good back to make himself look better. This won't be generating optimum profits for the company and is obviously getting some members of staff down.
Your boss isn't going to go and get this other guy in for a chat and sort him out but if he's any good he may well start paying a bit more attention to what's going on and at least you'll know that someone's on your side a bit more. If he sees this guy "in action" under his own steam he can sort him out in his own way in his own time rather than it looking like you "grassed" him (I hate this whole concept of it being wrong to grass up scumbags as if there's some sort of code of "honour" despite them being, errr, dishonourable scumbags but you don't want to make any grief for yourself either).
Quite often bosses/management are oblivious to what's really going on so it can't hurt to air your concerns. It's probably best to sell it to your boss in terms of "concern for the office/team/firm" rather than directly about yourself but the two things are inter-related, obviously.
Other than that, all I can suggest is that you take all advice with a pinch of salt and just do what you feel comfortable with. Talk to your family and friends and see your doctor if you are feeling really bad as often just telling someone else helps - presumably that's why you posted here in the first place :)
And the only thing "wrong" is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Nothing more, nothing less.
I have had a couple of chats with my boss over the past 6 months, and have warned him. He is always very good at reassuring me. For example he said to me,
"Well if I put a job add in the paper tomorrow, I'd have 45 applicants for his position by next week i.e. he's replaceable. However, your are not I would find it hard to get someone with your skills. He has no right to talk to you that way and you have my blessing not to take it, and if he doesn't like that tell me and I'l speak with him".
However, he conceded that this man does make his life much easier, by taking on some of his responsibilities and that getting rid of people can be difficult.
Don't worry, even when I was in the mire last night, I kind got what you were trying to do.
It's not a fun place to be in but there are ways out.
I can vouch for the brilliant work they do, I spent two years with them sitting on the end of the phones helping people in distress. They deal with every conceivable scenario and allow you to explore your feelings without ridicule, or being judged.
The UK number is: 08457 90 90 90. It is available 24 hours a day (or night).
Second option is go see your GP. Although if you go through that option, just be aware that the NHS just doesn't have the resources to deal with such issues due to underfunding - what generally will happen if you talk to your GP is that they refer you over to a charity based counsilling service.
P.S. Cowley's sick joke of suicide I don't find very entertaining. Just so you know Cowley, and I speak from experience. An individual calling Samaritans can refuse an ambulance, and has the freedom to die whilst asking the Samaritan counsellor to stay with them on the phone during their last moments. I had to stay with those callers in their final minutes, and to think I was the last human being they spoke to. So please leave your sick remarks outside of this forum.
Of course, your GP may think that the above may not be suitable and can provide a list of private clinics ranging from free, charitable to expensive ones.
I've had private counselling twice - paid by myself and by my work - but when I had my NHS Psychologist session, I felt 1 session with her was infinitely better then the umpteen sessions I paid for privately.
except tribute bands don't tend to have creative names these days, they seem to be called the actual band name, then (tribute) next to it. surely half the fun is having a terrible punning name. Near-vana, Bjorn Again, No Way Sis etc... Always thought 'The Scottish Sex Pistols' was a bit lame
As her friend, it can be hard for me sometimes as I can see her getting ill with it (she calls it "brain flu") but if I point it out then she may take it the wrong way and if I don't she may not realise she's getting poorly, but she usually does. I tend to point out when she's doing well and started laughing at stuff that she wouldn't have done just a few days before that. Then she'll realise that she's on the mend and picks herself up.
Basically, I let her know that I'm always around if needed and that there's no shame in asking for help, either from friends like myself, or professionals.
That's what you need to do. I'm sure you'll have plenty of friends around who will offer you all kinds of support (you've got loads on here for example) and never feel ashamed of seeking help from anyone.
With help and support from friends thing's will always turn out ok in the end ;-)
I couldn't fight him as I don't have the twisted motivations nor the political nouse to exist in such a ****ty environment. I just wanted to sit in a corner and knock code out to a given specification, nothing else.
The weird thing is I was happy for him to have the "glory" of projects being done but I think his own paranoia and twisted views got in the way. Also he tried to claim credit for a lot of the work I did after I left with other people who knew who did what putting him in his place.
No idea if any of this helps, but figured your description sounds so similar to my previous situation I thought it might help you to know you are not the only one!
So was your depression related totally to the work atmosphere?
Moving from that place was a vast improvement to my life. There is always uncertainty with a job move, but I was positive I had to leave that place.
You spend so long at work so it shouldn't be the place you have to fight battles on a day to day basis.
In any work situation there will be someone scrambling about for personal advantage, and even self-employed you can always get a power-crazed client or a manipulative supplier.
That's just the way it works, something I think you have, I'd guess, already worked out, hence your disquiet over the US job which may easily be 'out of the frying pan into the fire' as the chance is strong that there will be another ****ty person there too.
Have you thought about pure academic work, or even teaching? It strikes me that you
- may not be too money motivated
- are obviously a good communicator
IT lecturers, or especially teachers, are typically in short supply - most qualified people go into the real world, where the money is. The payoff - holiday time with your family - may be a big bonus to you. And whilst the politics still exist - ugly smear campaigns when head of dept. comes up etc - this may be easier for you to cope with as the competitive rulebook between teachers or academics is structured and so is typically a bit less easy to manipulate.