Meaningless Management Speak

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  • Where I used to work, you needed training before you were allowed to carry a Stanley Knife!
  • I can remember in a previous job that we were told we couldn't 'brainstorm' in meetings any more as that referred to an actual medical condition and could be seen as offensive. Instead we were encouraged to have a 'thought shower'. PC-gone-mad + meaningless management speech = arrrgh! [-X
    Post edited by Maroc's Other Projection on
    Cheeky Funster (53)
  • I can remember in a previous job that we were told we couldn't 'brainstorm' in meetings any more as that referred to an actual medical condition and could be seen as offensive. Instead we were encouraged to have a 'thought shower'. PC-gone-mad + meaningless management speech = arrrgh! [-X

    Sounds like a shower of shit to me!
  • Where I used to work, you needed training before you were allowed to carry a Stanley Knife!

    We're not allowed those. We h ave "safety knives" which have the sharp bits hidden behind big bits of plastic and are almost unusable because of it!

    Also, and no word of a lie, I had to read and sign a 5 page training document on how to open an envelope and the rest of the internal mail! I tell you, the country's gone health and safety mad :))
  • I can remember in a previous job that we were told we couldn't 'brainstorm' in meetings any more as that referred to an actual medical condition and could be seen as offensive. Instead we were encouraged to have a 'thought shower'. PC-gone-mad + meaningless management speech = arrrgh! [-X

    How about asking for a "black coffee" and being told I couldn't ask for that anymore and I had to have an "ethnic coffee" instead! That was the the Lewisham Theatre in about 1997 or so...
  • edited November 2015
    We are allowed to carry box cutters at work, but these days you have to sit and watch an hour long video before you can use one. Glad I started before they actually enforced that nonsense. My induction consisted of the secretary telling me which answers to keep and which to change on my evaluation, and her saying you used one of these before? Me saying yup, and her pretty much saying welcome aboard.

    There's also a half hour long video on fire safety which is hilariously patronising, and really badly put together, and a one on first aid which is equally terrible.

    ....and don't get me started on using a manual hi-lift, I've got 4 guys who can use one but aren't allowed to because they haven't watched the video, or had their 10 minute training yet. The training is basically ok this goes forwards, this goes backwards, this goes up, and this goes down....there we go, try not to crash into anything.
    Post edited by dm_boozefreek on
    Every night is curry night!
  • edited November 2015
    "Total Reward" things you get other than your pay which might make your pay seem less ****.

    I used to be a H&S rep and quite often I warned management about possible accidents. In the two years before I left two of the potential accidents I warned them about happened (one occured once, the other twice!).
    Post edited by SnazzyParrot on
  • "Thought Shower" - That is priceless! Brilliant
  • ....and don't get me started on using a manual hi-lift, I've got 4 guys who can use one but aren't allowed to because they haven't watched the video, or had their 10 minute training yet. The training is basically ok this goes forwards, this goes backwards, this goes up, and this goes down....there we go, try not to crash into anything.

    Sounds like my training at a local(ish) theme park. My first day operating a "Dragon Roller Coaster" was quite literally, "turn it on with the key, green starts it, red stops it,send them around three times, have a mess about with it, see you at break time"

    And that was it! All the other rides I ran had pretty much the same instructions too!
  • So long as the Health and Safety videos are like the "Klaus learns to drive the forklift" video, I'm game

  • I've just remembered TNA. Training needs analysis.
  • I can remember in a previous job that we were told we couldn't 'brainstorm' in meetings any more as that referred to an actual medical condition and could be seen as offensive. Instead we were encouraged to have a 'thought shower'. PC-gone-mad + meaningless management speech = arrrgh! [-X

    Thought Shower?????? :)) :)) :)) :))
    The trouble with tribbles is.......
  • An old mate of mine who worked for a very well known company that deals in soap and potato by-products was once asked by a corporate bean counter if he could "Analyse his process", which basically meant can I stand behind you and watch what you do all day. My mate very quickly replied that it was OK if it was necessary but his prostate should only really be examined by a professional GP. The guy apparently was not amused.

    He got sacked about 2 weeks after that :))
    Every night is curry night!
  • edited November 2015
    I can remember in a previous job that we were told we couldn't 'brainstorm' in meetings any more as that referred to an actual medical condition and could be seen as offensive. Instead we were encouraged to have a 'thought shower'. PC-gone-mad + meaningless management speech = arrrgh! [-X

    Well!! Let me tell you!! As a former Epilepsy sufferer I cam completely fine with the use of the word Brain Storm to mean idea generation. Let me tell you when it comes to that stuff it's generally only the PC Obsessed folks that actually 'mostly' give a ****.

    That's like saying we cant use the term broken because it will offend those with broken arms and legs etc. Imagine this I'm sorry team but we are going to have to change the name of the first color on our new micro computer as it offends the Africans, its now called Very Dark Grey, actually scrap that it will offend the darkies, let's call it Onyx.


    Post edited by Scottie_uk on
    Calling all ASCII Art Architects Visit the WOS Wall of Text and contribute: https://www.yourworldoftext.com/wos
  • I'm recovering from a broken toe and I find the term broken highly offensive, I shall be writing to my lawyer...
    Every night is curry night!
  • Winston wrote: »
    So long as the Health and Safety videos are like the "Klaus learns to drive the forklift" video, I'm game

    That was brilliant. Like a Peter Jackson Bad Taste/Braindead era infotainment film.
  • "Thought Shower" - That is priceless! Brilliant

    That is golden...
    I wanna tell you a story 'bout a woman I know...
  • I'm recovering from a broken toe and I find the term broken highly offensive, I shall be writing to my lawyer...
    I'm recovering from a broken index finger and find the term writing highly offensive, I shall be getting my wife to shout over the fence to my lawyer neighbour.
    I wanna tell you a story 'bout a woman I know...
  • Winston wrote: »
    So long as the Health and Safety videos are like the "Klaus learns to drive the forklift" video, I'm game


    Brilliant, are all German safety videos like that? lol.

    Hey I'm smelling a CSGC entry, 'Klaus the Forklift Driver' , hey this could be the start of a whole series of games.

    Calling all ASCII Art Architects Visit the WOS Wall of Text and contribute: https://www.yourworldoftext.com/wos
  • edited November 2015
    Blimey, haven't seen that one in a while and I didn't expect it to surface on a place like WOS. Props to Winston for posting it.

    Yeah, this is a classic over here indeed ... another relic of the past that would never be made in these PC days.

    Crap games sound like a plan... you could start with the not so gory stuff like "dodge the falling knife" :D
    Post edited by XTM of TMG on
  • First time I saw Forklift Driver Klaus it was on channel 4 at about 4am, and I was stoned, I was probably somewhere between 17-22 at the time.

    Had me in stitches, they just randomly played it too, it wasn't in the telly guide it just came on, they must've had a spare 5 or 10 minutes in the schedule to fill or something like that?

    But it is possibly one of the best shorts I've ever watched :))
    Every night is curry night!
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