                        THE OFFICIAL PARTICIPANT'S GUIDE

                        (for official participants only)


                           Edited by the G.P.S.D.C.
                     (General Purple Saturn Day Committee)


                               SATURN. 09/13/122

                                OFFICIAL STAMP:


                              Jean-Philippe ULRICH
                      Exxos Director for the Solar System

                               E   X   X    O   S
                               ATA ATA HOGLO HULU


                    GRAND PURPLE SATURN DAY CEREMONY SPEECH
                  GIVEN WITH THE BENEDICTION OF EXXOS HIMSELF,
                                   IN PERSON.

               (By the Purple Saturn Day Prezident's bio-editor.)


           OH EXXOS, it is once more the new year on Saturn, the day of Purple
Dawning, Wonder of Wonders. ATA ATA.

           OH EXXOS YOU ARE GOOD FOR US.

           Gaze, Great EXXOS, upon the HUMANS from the BLUE planet, the BULUL
from the ASTEROX Constell, the GOLGOS all the way from marvellous KLAKOS. Look,
OH EXXOS, upon proud CROOLIS warriors from ancient MASTOCHOK, the SHAAXA
refugees and finally, smile fondly upon your friends the KUMO from CORPO WW.

           All have come for you, OH EXXOS, and for the Pangalactic games we
hold each and every Purple Saturn Day.

           This year, four superb competitions have been randomly selectorized
by EXXOS, HIMSELF, PERSONALLY:

           THE RING PURSUIT, THE TIME JUMP, THE TRONIC SLIDER AND BRAIN BOWLER.


           Dear friends, let us with one voice heap thanks on EXXOS:


                           ATA ATA HOGLO HULU
                           ATA ATA HOGLO HULU

                           HAM TOT ZOGLO HULU HULU
                           HAM TOT ZOGLO HULU HULU

                           ATA ATA HOGLO HULU
                           ATA ATA HOGLO HULU

                           ER TOT ZAGLO HULU HULU
                           ER TOT ZAGLO HULU HULU

Committee Prezident's bio-editor.


                           HATS OFF TO HANZ MORLOK

                         (Founder of Purple Saturn Day)

HANZ MORLOK: Human scientist born on Earth circa A.D. 1950. Currently in
vegetized survival status in Switzerland. (Visitors are welcome to discuss
interesting topics with one of several thousand Morlok clones at the SATURN
INSTITUTE in N.N.N.Y. City, Mars.) Renowned intergalactic alternative medicine
expert, H. Morlok left an indelible mark on Space Conquest Phase 2, also known
as the "Great Second Phaze of Interstellar Conquest". Political shadowboxer,
pizza playmate, crooner, inventor of note and notorious cocktail-set Cazanova,
Hanz Morlok was also uncle to General Robert "Snarling Bob" Morlok,
better-known as Blood, first husband to Torka Blood. The Morlok family
chromosomes were classified Golden Genes of the Universe in 2002, terrestrial
EXXOS dating, by Kommandant Lung, also at present in a vegetized state of
ongoing survival in Switzerland.


                               PRACTICAL RECIPES

                         (by Hanz Morlok's bio-editor)


           The great sporting encounters that make up Purple Saturn Day leave
           our bodies and minds so drained, don't they!

           Well, why not try the following easy recipes from Doctor Hanz
           Morlok's acclaimed blockbusting bestseller, "MY ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL
           INSIDE SECRETS FROM ACROSS THE AGES", published in the hardhitting
           series, "I CAN FEEL EXXOS DOING ME GOOD".

*          A PAIN TRANSMUTER:
-----------------------------
           This fun recipe is guaranteed to solve all your stomach scale
           Pruritus problems! Millions of fighter pilots have known this itchy
           horror, caused by laser-fire "dribble".

           Here's what you do. Grab a big juicy Putrex Vomicus quince,
preferably from a Turpos 17 recycling pharm. Place it gently in your wardrobe.
After a few days, the quince will be covered in writhing yuks. They love fruit!
Put one of the writhing yuks in a little metal box with lots of air-holes, so
that breathing remains a viable primary life-support option. (After all, even
writhing yuks hate being not alive any more!) As soon as your scales start
itching like crazy, just remove the writhing yuk from his box and slip the
wriggly fellow in between two inflamed scales. You'll be delighted with the
results!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          NEW PRAYER PARTICLES: "PRAYONS"
------------------------------------------
           Thanks to the new giga-telescope LUNA 45, a new prayer particle has
been detected. Named Prayon, this discovery should consolidate Lunatox Inc.
(LUNA 45"s sponsor) as Sektor 45"s leading prayer accessory manufacturer.

           And here it is:
           The radio prayer (as yet untreated by EXXOS prayer experts) captured
by LUNA 45 and probably originating from the Cigar Galaxy. Preliminary studies
indicate that a triple repetition just before any major competition should slow
opponents down by a factor of .3.

           RADIO PRAYER:

           Schhh... Schhh... Crrac! Schhh...
           Schhh... Schhh... Tchi! Tchi!
           Schhh... Schhh... Crrac! Schhh...
           Schhh... Schhh... Tchi! Tchi!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          IT'S GOOD FOR YOU:
-----------------------------
           All your ideas gone? Your brain has turned to sticky garbage?
           Chances are you've been smoking too many TROMP tails! Why not think
           of EXXOS? EXXOS is good for you!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          OINTMENTUS METEORIS:
-------------------------------
           Goodbye bumps and bruises! A soothing cream to chase those
           meteorite-shower blues:

           RECIPE:
           Choose a plump STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLOOK (that's a variable unit of
measurementformerly employed on rubber plantations). With a carefully selected
EXXOS feather, make an incision in the throat of a prepared MIGRAX (prepare him
by buying him large quantities of booze in a low life gin-joint). Use the
feather to spread a few drops of green MIGRAX blood over the STYLE-CONSCIOUS
GLOOK. Then say aloud the following incantation, translated from TROOMA dialect
to invoke the meteor God of System ICC86:

           HOOLA HOOLA HOOP
           THIS IS THE RIGHT RITE
           FOR THE METEORITE
           HOOP AND HOOLA, YES BOSS.
           (repeat)

           Next, soak the STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLOOK in used engine oil. Bring to
the boil. Pour into a bowl containing large numbers of WRITHING YUKS. Rub the
resulting ointment over your entire body. Now, meteorites, come make my day!

           IMPORTANT: This product is inoperative in the case of incandescent
meteorites. To protect yourself against burns, see "YESTERDAY WAS A HOT ONE,
TODAY'S A COLD ONE".

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          ASK HIM:
-------------------
           Here's a wonderfully soothing mind-massage technique, called
           "ASK HIM". HIM is the leader of the THEM. The THEM are partly us.
           HIM knows everything. With HIM, everything becomes clear at last:
           why we're here, what happens afterwards, the truth about flying
           saucers etc.

           RECIPE:
           First stop reading. Now count to 100 in a loud, clear and positive
voice: one, two, three, four...

           Go back to the beginning of this OFFICIAL PARTICIPANTS' GUIDE for
official participants only. Edited by the G.P.S. etc...

           You should be ready now, your mind empty of all material desires and
intruding thought modules. Breathe. Kill those lights. Now I'm going to count
to three. When I say "3", you stare relaxedly at that nice picture on the
facing page [see PurpleSaturnDay_Picture.jpg]. Concentrate real hard on the
center of the nice picture. Ready? Here I go: one, two, two and thirteen
seventeenths, three. Stare!

           There! I told you it would work! Now you feel happy, in control of
your corporeal body. Your astral eyes keep reading as your physical eyes stare
at the magic picture. You feel so wonderful now. The doors of your inner mind
open to receive the thrilling secret:

           THRILLING SECRET: I am HIM!

           You come to with a start. Sweat spurts from many of your pores. You
breathe in a manner known to doctors as hmmm. And yet you are convinced nothing
has happened. Or has it? Don't ask me, ask HIM!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          YESTERDAY WAS A HOT ONE, TODAY'S A COLD ONE
------------------------------------------------------
           A sure-fire incantation against burns caused by cosmic radiation,
lava "dribble", the CROOLIS reproduction dance and the advanced Tyrol version
of "A GOOD'UN FROM THE GIPPER":

           ATCH AH AH ATCH
           OOM OTO OTO
           (spit thrice upon ground)
           Beneath her Spanish crocodilla,
           She rolls a jealous flaming eye,
           I dance the militar quadrilla,
           and swear to love her till I die.
           Ol
           (stamp left foot twice upon spit on ground).

           Easy as pie, weren't it!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          A GOOD'UN FROM THE GIPPER IF YOU SUFFER FROM HARD CHAIRS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
           Take off your shirt and pants. Boil a big tub of humidified water.
Take your space-ship's seat apart and soak it for 12 hours in the tub. Keep the
water on the boil as you jump in the tub, singing:

           "Salt tears are streaming from my eyes..."


*          ALTERNATIVE ADVANCED TYROL VERSION:
----------------------------------------------
           This is basically similar to the original Tyrol version of "A
GOOD'UN FROM THE GIPPER". Just use boiling sump oil instead of water. The song
now becomes:

           "Tweet tweet my sweetie, 'tis but I..." etc.

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


*          A GOOD'UN FOR INTERGALACTIC VERTIGO:
-----------------------------------------------
           The sickening vacuum of deep space, we've all suffered from it,
           haven't we? That tell-tale vomit stain reveals the truth about those
           timeless moments of intergalactic horror when your mind wanders off
           into forbidden and useless metaphysical speculations, when you can't
           resist the temptation to light up a TROMP tail. THIS IS FOR YOU:

           Mince some used chewing-gum, mouldy sock powder, nasal scrapings and
garlic all together and mix these into a pound of ground telephones. Add bat
droppings, chilli powder and a zest of concentrated body dampness. Knead the
mixture until it is an oozing yellow dough. Divide into reptile-sized balls,
dip into thoroughly-beaten toad-spawn and fry slowly in deep, smoking bug
juice. Serve with savoury rats and decomposed vegetable sauce.

           You've forgotten all about total vacuum and outer space fatigue,
haven't you? How about another sickball? Look at this one, just dying to be
gobbled up! It's winking at you!

Copyright "I KNOW EXXOS IS GOOD FOR ME" publications.


                    "LIST OF FORBIDDEN TOXIC SUBSTANCES AND
                                    RITUALS"
                      "BY THE PURPLE SATURN DAY COMMITTEE"


*          RITUALS FORBIDDEN DURING THE RING PURSUIT:
-----------------------------------------------------
           - Unfriendly gestures, words, subliminal messages or other forms of
negative sentiment transfer, if the opponent is a GOLGOS.

           - The "meteorite ritual", except for the verses:
                  HOOP AND HOOLA, YES BOSS.
                  (repeat)
           which have negligeable effect on asteroids orbiting Saturn.

           - mumbo-jumbo antics of any kind

           - radio-chants based on "PRAYON" technology

           - the wearing of dark spectacles


*          RITUALS FORBIDDEN DURING THE TRONIC SLIDER:
-----------------------------------------------------
           - All rituals using STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLOOKS, especially if painted
green. (This practice is unlucky and irritates EXXOS personally.) Only
participants' hair may assume a green color, and even then all personnel must
be issued with suitably filtered eye-protectors.

           - Greasy products in general, and boiling sump oil in particular,
are strictly forbidden.

           - The MASTOCHOK version of the CROOLIS REPRODUCTION dance, judged to
be long and tasteless, has been experimentally banned. Appeals may be lodged at
the Appeals Office, door 122CWX334 (armor-plated).


*          FORBIDDEN SUBSTANCES:
--------------------------------
           - TROMP tails from KLAKOS (classified C123)

           - ham, sausages, pork etc. (Earthing pigs are classified C123)

           - squeezed pig juice (see above)

           - PUTREX VOMICUS QUINCE (odour in locker-rooms)

           - Deer steaks. The P.S.D. Prezident is Swedish this year and is
married to a deer. Previous Earthling P.S.D. prezidents have been married to
honey-pies, angels, darlinks and babies

           - All 5th generation aerosol sprays (the ones that vaporize large
objects, industrial machines and vehicles), for pollution reasons

           - Anti-grav laser blades

           - Non-ceramic sheaths

           - Pacemakers. They could explode

           - Goodluck shrunken chicken-heads blessed by card-carrying members
of the VOOD Consortium

           - Bits of computers sacrificed to EXXOS

           - OINTMENTUS METEORIS, WRITHING YUKS, METAL BOXES WITH HOLES, HOLES
IN GENERAL

           - Alcohol, or anything that could be mistaken for alcohol: polishes,
fuel, cleaning agents, deodorants etc...

           NOTE: C123 classification has been given to all organic substances
reputed to be aphrodisiacs. This measure should put a stop to those all-night
parties. Thank you for your attentive listening attitude.

           MAY THE BEST BEING WIN

                                                   THE COMMITTEE
